About Dating: The First Love
Since I have been working on sexuality issues for nearly two decades, I like to think that I have everything well in hand in my own home. Ha! Whoever thinks that is the most foolish! Not too long ago, I was caught unawares when my eldest daughter, a high school freshman, came home and declared she was dating a boy.
“My baby!” I gasped and quickly slunk in the other room and tried to figure out what to do as I gnawed my fingertips. We had talked about relationships in general, but she had always told me what utter buffoons her classmates were. Now she was dating one! We hadn’t talked about this yet. She went rogue!
Over the next few months we had many opportunities to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships. We’ve had her boyfriend to the house several times. He seems respectful and engaging. We actually kind of like him, although my daughter says he is terrified of me. I’m okay with that.
Sooner or later, a parent will face a time when the blossom of romance opens in the home, often unexpectedly. I don’t know if there is one right way to prepare, but I wished I had talked with my kids earlier about different types of dating relationships and how to look for a good match.
From everything I read, the dating scene of my youth is nonexistent and unrecognizable to teens today. Back in my day (cough, cough, creak), teens would go out in an exclusive dating relationship. They did a lot of group activities, but in my hometown, these group activities often involved underage drinking and casual sex. We still looked forward to dances, at least in middle school and early high school. The Prom was still a big thing. For singles, there were certain dance clubs and cruising strips where we might hope to get a girl’s attention.
Teens today often don’t even date anymore, which is one reason my daughter’s announcement caught me off guard. It’s not just that many aren’t interested in dating; most kids have no idea how to actually do it. Young people still hang out, but they mostly just text and TikTok each other. Real dating is hard because it doesn’t happen behind a screen.
I’ve had to balance my emotions as I get accustomed to my daughter’s relationship. On the one hand, we had to limit her use of the phone because she was routinely spending four-to-five hours talking with her beau. Yet, they weren’t just texting. They were actually communicating—verbally! They were growing in their capacity to express feelings and share opinions; they were building a friendship and this was not something we wanted to shut down.
I won’t say it has been totally smooth. We’ve gotten into arguments as my daughter pushed against her tech limitations. We’ve also been able to end our tensions with hugs, kisses, and affirmations of our love and support. The balance every parent faces is when and how to let go of our need for control. None of us do this perfectly, but we can all be mindful of the need for our teen to learn and grow through new experiences and mistakes even as we desire to protect them from the hidden dangers of these new situations. The north star in this balancing act it to remember that your relationship with your child is more important than your rules.
For reflection:
If your child(ren) are already dating, how does the scene different from when you were their age?
Is your child dating something you welcome or fear? Why?
If your child isn’t yet dating, have you thought about how you might handle that situation when it arises? Are there things you’d like to share with your child before dating occurs?