Book: What’s the Big Deal about Pornography? by Jill Manning
Most books start with a forward or an introduction. What’s the Big Deal about Pornography? launches with a caution:
“Reading this book will arm you with truths the pornography industry does not want you to know. Those who believe pornography use can lead to happiness will likely be offended by what is written here and are advised to reread this book after the short-term rush of pornography wears off.
“Be advised that the contents of this book may cause increased desire to seek after healthy, well-rounded, and real relationships in your life, as well as give you greater power to resist cheap imitations of true intimacy.”
So begins Dr. Jill Manning’s excellent exploration of the harms of pornography written in a way young people can understand. Manning does what too few parents seem to: she assumes that her readers are already looking at and possibly immersed in pornography. And yet, she doesn’t approach the issue from a moral perspective but with an eye toward personal health and well-being. This is one of the ways Manning’s book shines. She understands that deep down teens and young adults are pursuing God-given desires, but in ways that have been hijacked by the pornographic culture in which they live.
I’ve followed Dr. Manning’s research for two decades and she is among the best at taking highly scientific studies and distilling them into language the common person can understand. Much of that research is in this book. She methodically lays out her case by defining pornography, explaining how it impacts people and dispelling the myths that pornography is simply another form of sex education. She ends her book with guidance about how to stop looking at pornography and how to help friends that are also struggling.
Although the book is aimed at young people, Manning includes suggestions for parents, as well. What’s the Big Deal…? was published in 2008, but the guidance shared within is timeless. If anything, it is more relevant now than when it came out. Another generation of kids is being exposed to pornography even more destructive than that of the early 2000s.
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My recommendations:
Get this book and read it through before sharing it with your teens. Be prepared to encounter some shocks about the nature of pornography as well as the dredging up of your own memories and parts of your sexual story that you thought were buried. I would pray before reading and ask God to show you what you need to pay attention to regarding your own children.
Pray about the best way to share this book with your teen. If pornography is already an issue for them, receiving this book could feel shaming or embarrassing. If you aren’t aware of a pornography problem, the same could happen. Be prepared to calmly walk through your teen’s opposition, sarcasm, or ambivalence. You may prefer to hand the book over or go through it chapter by chapter.
Don’t let it drop after sharing the book. You might share some parts that stood out to you and ask your teen what they noticed. You could set aside time to go through each chapter with a short discussion (no more than 15 minutes, unless your teen is really opening up). You can also look for teachable moments in your daily lives that connect to the content in the book.
Other resources:
Pornography: the “supernormal stimulus”
Dr. Jill Manning discusses the impact of pornography on children. Pornography acts as a “supernormal” stimulus which interferes with healthy relational attachment. Parents need to be aware of the dangers but also work intentionally to teach their children how to love. (audio, 16:00)
Children at risk: Living in a home of an addict
Dr. Jill Manning explores the dangers to children who live in the home of a pornography addict. Significant risks are present, but parents can protect their kids by being present with their children, protecting their kids, and pledging to keep the home safe. Open and warm parent-child relationships can buffer children from the negative impacts of pornography. (audio, 15:40)