Book: Honest Talk by John Fort
In my many years addressing sexuality issues, the most frequent fear I hear from parents is, “How do I talk to me kids about sex?” I’ve believe three factors are behind much of this fear:
Their own parents didn’t talk with them about sex.
The have unresolved sins and wounds in their own sexual story.
The don’t have a firm grasp on the larger spiritual meaning of human sexuality.
Thankfully, John Fort’s new book recognizes these fears and does a great job of guiding parents to have healthy sustained conversations about sex with their children of all ages.
Fort opens his book with a three-chapter section just for parents. He assures parents that they are, in fact, the right people to talk with their kids about sex. Then he addresses the common fears parents have before sharing the larger vision of what sexuality is. Throughout the book he includes assignments and questions to help parents process and apply what they are reading.
The second part of the book offers age-appropriate lessons for teaching kids about sexuality. I love that Fort begins by teaching parents how to explore children’s emotions long before talking about sexual content. He writes:
“The reason we talk so much about emotions is because understanding what we are feeling, being able to talk about that clearly with others, and learning to react appropriately to feelings are foundational to sexual wholeness.”
With older children, Fort expands to helping children understand their emotional needs and finding healthy ways to meet them. This is the context in which pornography begins to make sense to young people. When people look at pornography, they often don’t know why they do it. However, by exploring their emotional needs, parents can help their teens understand that they may have been feeling lonely or angry and seeking relief. The key is to not treat the emotions themselves as bad, but to begin to show how meeting needs with pornography does more harm than good. Like any element of parenting, this is a process, not a conversation.
By starting young and working up through the age ranges, Fort is able to build upon each previous level in smart and sensible ways. I spoke with John about this book and he shared that he wrote it to cover all the topics he felt were missing in other parenting books dealing with sexuality. The result is a smart, easily accessible book that offers practical guidance, helpful exercises and a broad perspective on talking with kids about sexuality and relationships.
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My recommendations:
Read the book all the way through before applying any of it. Get a sense for how each chapter builds upon the previous one and what the end goal is.
Then reread the book until you get to the age or stage your child is at. Begin practicing some of the exercises Fort recommends. If you have children at different ages, start with the youngest first. You are less likely to feel nervous or anxious when talking to a younger child than an older one. Chances are, the exercises will go well and you will feel confidence when starting with older children.
Continue teaching from and revisiting the book as your children mature. Make a habit of sharing these conversations frequently until they become second nature for you and your child. The more frequently you talk about all of these emotional and sexual issues, the easier becomes and the more open and aware your child will be.