What is your gift to the world?

Some years ago I attended a conference that began by inviting everyone to sit quietly for five minutes and pray about what God was calling us to share over the weekend. For five minutes only one phrase came to mind:

     All you have to give is your brokenness.

The thought of being open with strangers about my shortcomings and sins was terrifying. Looking around I saw smiling, happy people everywhere. How could I bring my darkness into the sunny lives of those around me? 

As it turned out, my time to share didn’t come until the last night of the conference. All official functions were finished and I was sitting by the pool with a friend. 

“Did I ever tell you about the time…?”

For the first time in many years, I opened up a dark part of my past with someone new. It involved an incident that I had handled, for which I had sought and received forgiveness, and for which I had made amends. Afterward I packed the incident up and put it on the top shelf of an unused closet in a back bedroom of my life. I thought there was no need for me to ever mention it again.

When I shared the story with my friend that night, however, I was amazed to experience a freedom I didn’t know I needed. I was so struck by the feeling that I decided to share my story of failure the next week with my men’s group. It was even more liberating. This freedom came from simply allowing the truth of my life to more closely align with my public persona.

In his book Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote that a major obstacle to true Christian fellowship is the inability to be sinners together.

“The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners.”

I know this can sometimes feel true in our churches, but a more important question is: do we enjoy real Christian fellowship in our homes? Are parents and children alike bringing their brokenness forward into the love and light of a grace-filled community or is everyone getting really good at hiding? The truth is, many of us were wearing masks long before COVID hit.

A funny thing happened in my men’s group. After I shared, other brought out some of their deep struggles, too. As each one shared he was met with support, encouragement, prayer, love, and acceptance. The isolation, shame, and fear was gone. We had discovered the freedom to be sinners together and to offer encouragement and support to one another. True Christian fellowship! Is it not right that we and our children should also experience this in our own homes?

Learning to open up and be honest about our shortcomings doesn’t just free us to live in freedom. It also allows others to find greater freedom. When parents model healthy sharing and talk about our fears, struggles, or concerns, we teach our kids that such things are not only normal but that they can be handled well. And, when we don’t handle our stressors well, we can demonstrate the power of repentance and humility.

God himself does not shy away from suffering. Jesus set aside the glory of God in order to take human form and become one of us. His brokenness on the cross became the most powerful and beautiful blessing the world will ever see. Is it possible that there is real power in our brokenness as well?

Jesus told us to take up our crosses. For some, this means allowing our brokenness to gurgle up to the surface with a few trusted friends. For parents, we might stop trying to pretend and simply be honest with our kids that we don’t have parenting all figured out. We can admit and repent of our mistakes. We can ask our children or spouse for forgiveness and extend it joyfully to them. Being honest about our struggles does not diminish our authority; it strengthens it. By letting our kids know that we are vulnerable and sinful, we have a greater opportunity to lead them to embrace the freedom for which Christ set us free (Gal. 5:1).

Your gift to the world—and your family—is yourself with all your unique stories, dreams, and even failures. Don’t hide this fragile, beautiful gift from your kids. Let them into your true heart so they may witness God’s love as He works his grace in and through your weakness. It’s never about us, but about helping our children to embrace our Eternal Father in Heaven.

Questions for reflection:

1. Did you grow up in a home where mistakes were not allowed and punishment was severe? Is this how your home operates?

2. Do past mistakes or unhealed wounds keep you from bringing your full self to your family?

3. If so, why are you holding onto them? Could you call a trusted, spiritually mature friend and share the truth you have been hiding?

A version of this article originally appeared in the August 2013 Brushfires Foundation newsletter.